free to be...

Our Independence Day observance began bright and early with some spectacular aural fireworks.  They flamed out once the drinkable yogurt was poured and the pint-sized firecracker was dressed in Fourth of July-appropriate attire, though there were a few more rounds of outbursts from some other firecrackers throughout the course of the holiday, which was a quiet one for us spent recouperating and resting.

Some of the fireworks had to do with not getting what one wanted when that one wanted it.  Such is not uncommon around here in this season of family life.  Dealing with the big feelings, underlying needs, and objective reality that are all wrapped up in one caterwauling little person is tricky business.  Reacting with empathy and objectivity are always my goals, but they aren't always the way I actually react -- especially with all the variables thrown in. Sometimes I am anything but empathetic and objective. We all have our moments.

After a day spent focused on pointing out the effects one child's behavior has on his or her siblings (and parents) in real time, the long view kicks in as I reflect on the day and its ups and downs.  With so much emphasis on "freedom" and "personal freedom" around our nation's Independence Day celebration, episodes such as these are powerful examples of what freedom is and isn't. In exercising our free will, our faith teaches us to consider the effects our choices and behaviors have on other people, as we are all part of the mystical Body of Christ.

We can't always have what we want when we want it. Someone else may be adversely affected, even hurt, by the way we act upon our desires, which we may or may not realize. What we want might not be good for us literally or spiritually. And while we may have the free will to act as we please, we will be held accountable for our actions by others and ultimately to God himself.

These are lessons we are presently teaching on a very basic level, but it's a lifelong process dealing with disappointment and learning how to channel the free will God gives us into the outlets he wishes us to utilize in his service. As adults we may know all too well that we don't always get what we want when we want it. We may not throw fits about that disappointing reality -- or maybe we do, each in our own way.  We might think ourselves so independent, as in "I'm an adult and I'll do as I please," or "I can do it all by myself," but we're all connected to each other in ways big and small, seen and unseen.

Free to be me yet dependent on Christ and on those around me, I pray for the grace to live in the freedom that comes from being the person God calls me to be, doing right by the people around me as best I can for the glory of God.

help yourself

Somewhere in the mix of not being a cruise director yet still being present to the littles, there is this idea of cultivating in each of them the art of doing things for oneself.  This takes patient instruction and coaching.*

*she says as one lass flails on the floor upset about having to share a couple of toys while the other tugs on Mama's pant leg demanding to be held while the lads are chasing each other through the kitchen with blunt objects rather than completing some age-appropriate task such as making one's bed or clearing one's cup and plate after lunch, and the collective emotional temperature gets higher and higher...

I have to write about such pie-in-the-sky ideals to keep sight of the long view I try to take, especially when it seems everyone is all out of sorts, with siblings going feral on each other and Mama close to wit's end to try to restore some sense of peace and positive vibe (or endure, at the very least). This does happen, believe it or not, more often than I would like. We all have our moments.

From the beginning, the idea of mothering has a daunting, breath-stealing, overwhelming idea for me to imagine myself being successful executing. Taking a proactive approach to everything from the day's routine to the tending of infants and young children has been my way of trying to do what sometimes seems impossible.

In terms of logistics and efficiency, sometimes it is simply easier to do things for the bambini that they (at least some) can now do themselves because not so long ago we had multiple very young children in need of diapering, feeding, clothing, and just about everything else. Engaging everyone in activities fell right in with these other needs. Given the temperaments of our children and the resulting dynamics, this proactive approach has been necessary.

Now as the bambini are getting a little older, they are finding more opportunities for self-directed exploration and entertainment as well as lending more practical help with household duties like emptying the dishwasher and putting laundry away. They are still very young, but there's a lot they can contribute to the family's functioning well being.  They can also do a lot more for themselves, though they don't always want to, and they play together a lot of the time, though they don't always get along very well.  They still need close supervision, but they don't always need me right next to them, though they don't always agree with me on that point.

Along the way I may have inadvertently deferred their growth in self-sufficiency out of a sincere desire to do something constructive mixed with a little bit of fear of the resulting chaos that comes from a lack of direction/sleep/attention/growing food/whatever. I was doing the best I knew to do at the time, and the experience I have gleaned from that informs the way I manage things nowadays, which may or may not be the same as how I did them in those freaky early days of motherhood.  As we all grow up a little more each day as a family we're each figuring out how to take care of ourselves.  It's all part of the journey, isn't it?  

big kid stuff

My dad calls it "big kid stuff": appliances breaking, ill children, school decisions, relationships, which end of the lamb cake to cut into first on Easter Sunday and who is going to have that honor...

It's the stuff of life, really: the daily joys and struggles that we have the (sometimes dubious) honor of navigating ourselves.  We are blessed beyond measure to have family and friends whose help we can trust is available, but ultimately we are responsible for making decisions that affect our bambini and ourselves, for following through on those decisions, and bearing the consequences (good or bad) that result.

Sometimes I have moments where I wish I could defer this navigational responsibility to someone else -- to revert to a more childlike state, but ultimately, I don't really want to go back there.  I'm a pianist, remember, independent by nature.  Along with the considerable responsibility of being a "big kid" comes the freedom to decide for ourselves and our family -- always with a heavy reliance on prayer for discerning the will of God.

I am deeply grateful to my parents for helping form me into the person I am today, one who is able to take life as it comes and roll with the punches. My beloved and I are working diligently to do the same for our bambini so that one day they might each know the freedom that comes from living in the stream of grace. 

independence

Pianists are their own orchestra.  They can create an entire range of sound -- not just melody, but harmony along with it.  Most pianists I know (this one included) tend to be pretty independent.  I have my theories of personality characterization based on one's instrument, which I won't get into now, but I was thinking about independence today as my elder lad and I selected some bagels at the grocery store.  He and I are bagel aficionados.  They're pretty much all I could keep down when I was gestating him, so it's little surprise he likes them so much.

In an effort to manage my bambini well at the grocery store, it's only been in the last few months that I've allowed my elder lad out of the shopping cart.  He walks alongside now or hitches a ride on the outside.   He likes to retrieve the items on our shopping list (and make some suggestions for things purposely left off: "Mom!  Oreos!"  "Mom!  Donuts!").  Really he does a pretty good job overall of staying with me and enduring the shopping experience.  Today he was especially helpful *and* patient, God love him.  When we got to the bagels near the end of our trip, he said "I'll get the cinnamon raisin!".  He picked up a tissue and a paper sack and loaded it up with his favorites.  At that moment -- as at so many others of late -- I was struck by his confidence and capability.

From starting preschool this year to being the oldest of three children, he's had to learn to do some things for himself that he would probably otherwise rather let Mom and Dad do.  He hasn't been in a hurry to be 'big", maybe because his siblings have followed closely behind him in arrival.  The philosophies on fostering children's independence vary, but one that seems to ring true in our family is that independence must be taken on one's own -- not forced upon someone.  From sleep to dressing oneself to toilet learning to navigating the grocery store outside the confines of the shopping cart, it comes in good time.

Before I was married, I lived on my own for a good seven or eight years.  I even bought my own house.  I was prepared well for this independent living by my parents, who helped me learn how to manage for myself without thrusting me out into the deep water unattended.  Such carefully-formed independence is something I have witnessed in the beautiful women of my extended family throughout my life, from my Grannie to her daughters (my aunts) to their daughters (my cousins), and of course from my father and mother. For these examples, I am ever grateful. 

Now that I'm married, I'm dependent on my beloved for many things: love and prayers, temporal care (seeing as how I don't bring home a paycheck these days), and a friendship which helps me grow closer to Christ.  Sometimes it's very difficult for me allow my beloved to take care of me or take care of things that I am capable of and willing to do for myself, however grateful I am for his devotion and care.  But when I allow him to minister to me as Christ would, I see Christ in him. 

Sometimes, in typical pianist fashion, I'd rather just do things myself.  But in a family, we depend on each other to create harmony -- a truly melodious sound.

Our elder lad is far from being independent in the sense of being able to take care of all his temporal and spiritual needs.  He's not quite four and a half going on eighteen (the age at which one can take the test to earn a commercial driver's license to drive a Mack truck).   With God's grace and guidance, I pray we will help him (and his siblings) gradually gain the independence he will need to be the person God calls him to be.  In so doing, I pray we will also show him how we are dependent upon each other and ultimately Christ to be our true selves, ever seeking eternity.