water under the bridge

With six months elapsed since my last post, I hardly know where to pick up the story.  Most of the fall semester went unchronicled, and here we are nearly halfway through the spring semester of the elder lad's first grade year and younger lad's preschool year.

While this grieves me, I own that I've never been very good at maintaining a journal of any sort for the long haul.  This latest silence can be attributed to several factors, among them a lamentable lack of whatever motivation and ability I had to see the process from thought to written post to completion.  Part of this was owing to external factors (such as an overwhelming amount of the stuff of lowbrow humor to contend with as well as having nary a few moments in which I had both the use of both my hands *and* cognitive function to devote to navel gazing), but a lot of it had to do with me auguring into a git 'er done mode, staying on top of domestic affairs more consistently and not allowing myself to dilly dally at the glowing screen as much.

Highlights of the past six months include

• the elder lad's involvement in Cub Scouts as a Tiger Cub.  He seems to really revel in the challenge of it, and we recognize the potential for his growing in virtue by participating in Scouts.  For inspiration and encouragement he can look to several Scouts in the family.  I'm still trying to figure out the quickest and best way to get those patches and badges on his uniform...
• the transformation of the younger lad to a school boy, one who charges around the school playground playing superhero, rocks his snow boots (aka "moon boots") like nobody's business, and shows an ever-growing capacity for tenderness toward his sisters -- sometimes... 
• celebrating birthday number three for the elder lass (which still sounds weird to me, but neither of these girlies is "wee" anymore, so some other distinction is necessary), who still loves to read and now is showing quite an interest in ballet.  She's about the age her mother was when said mama began taking ballet lessons... 
• an entertaining and enchanting display of the younger lass's (now 19 months old) charm, wit, sweetness -- and chutzpah, as she has no qualms about letting us know exactly what she thinks and how she feels...

Along with these highlights and several poignant opportunities for keeping things in perspective has come a greater awareness of the beauty that lies in accepting and fulfilling some aspects of this vocation of wife and mother that aren't anything anyone would call glamorous (see aforementioned reference to that which the Honeywagon ferries away) -- if I choose to look at it that way -- and more gratitude than ever for all the many blessings with which we've been showered.

I wouldn't call the past six months the most prayerful of my existence, although I hope to offer the work that has gone on during this time -- and continues -- as such. 

As for all the soundbytes and family birthdays and books we've read together, at this moment they seem to be water under the bridge.  Perhaps I'll be able to reclaim some of them.  I still struggle mightily with "brain fog", so we'll see what cuts through the haze.

For everything there is a season.  This one in our family life continues to be very full of minute-to-minute changes in climate and conditions, and that takes a lot of stamina -- not to mention prayers.  Please continue to keep us in yours. 

standing by

Some friends of ours are going through one of a parent's worst nightmares: their son is ill with cancer.  He is two years old.  He was diagnosed with leukemia two days before Christmas.  

I saw his mother this morning at Mass.  She came by herself while her husband stayed home with their son, whose immune system is now depressed by the chemotherapy treatment he is receiving and therefore can't really be in a public gathering like that.   She went home to take over for her husband so he could go to a later Mass.

When I saw her in the Communion line and noted that she was there alone, within me there was a sudden and strong propulsion to go sit with her.  I waited until after Communion was finished and the Blessed Sacrament reposed, then I rose from my pew and ducked into hers.

I don't know if she wanted any company.  Maybe she just wanted that brief amount of time to sit in the presence of Christ and be strengthened by the grace, peace, and comfort only he can provide.   I only hope my musical pew maneuver didn't overpower her need for space. 

Whenever something like this happens, we all want to *do something* to help -- to fix it, really ... to make it all better.  All I know to do is pray and to make known our willingness to do whatever the family needs to help get through this trial.  Whatever that means, we're standing (or sitting, as the case may be) by...

Please keep them and all families in similar situations in your prayers.

grace to go on

So often now I struggle with the sheer physical demands upon me, carrying a near full-term baby within me and often schlepping a 20+ pound toddler.  I try to meet the lass's repeated and insistent requests to "hold me" as much as I can, as well as those of the younger lad, who has been asking me hold him a lot too.  I can't really carry him very far, but I do try to oblige his need for closeness by sitting and reading with him or something along those lines.  The elder lad now sets up his car mat and cars on the dining room table (such as it is -- two folding tables pushed together to form a near square) so I can sit and play more easily with him.  He doesn't ask me to carry him, but when I sit down next to him to read or watch TV, he lays his head on my shoulder and snuggles close. It seems they all sense Quattro's imminent arrival and are bulking up on the "mama lovin'".

Sometimes I feel so weak under the literal and figurative weight.  This frustrates me, and I am inclined to be irritated about it.  While I make it a point never to pray for patience (as the only way one develops patience is by practice -- know what I'm sayin'? -- and I already get a lot of that), I *do* pray -- a lot -- for wisdom, fortitude, understanding, compassion, and help in guarding against irritability.

Here's the amazing thing: just when I doubt if I will pass this endurance test, the grace to go on is there.  Just when everyone starts to melt down (including me), I am given the means to filter through any whining or fussing and the vision to see the various needs that are presenting themselves.  If such fussing is coming from one of the bambini, I ask for the need to be stated simply and respectfully (and in an age-appropriate manner) and then promptly meet the need as best I can.  If it's coming from me, I try to identify its cause and address that so I can get back to attending to everything else.  While it doesn't always go quite this well, it has been happening enough for me to recognize what is actually at work here (and it's not my doing):

Grace (big G).

My fervent and frequent prayer is for the Grace to do right by these children, my beloved, and all the people in my midst.  I'm not able to do that all on my own.  I can sense the prayers being offered for me and us, and I know they are heard -- and answered.

Thank you for yours.

it's what's for dinner

By now loyal readers are familiar with the various idiosyncrasies of the collective bambini palate here.  As a refresher, the lads are carbivores.  How they do love their baked goods.  They do like bacon (and, ahem, chicken McNuggets, once in a blue moon), but other than that, it's slim pickins for protein diversity in their respective cases.  We do try to use as much whole wheat flour, wheat germ, and flax seed meal as we can in our baking to up the protein content.  We keep offering a variety of healthy foods.  It's up to them to eat it, though. 

The younger lad loves his "ma-muh", the drinkable yogurt we blend up almost daily, so I take some solace in knowing that it's rich in protein in the form of milk and yogurt (sometimes even Greek yogurt) and contains minimal sugar to make it a fairly decent source of nutrition for him (and the lass, who calls it "go-gur").  He is also a fruit lover.

The elder lad's primary source of protein is peanut butter (we get the natural kind).  He will have nothing to do with the yogurt homebrew.  Trouble is, he's been having an intermittent but persistent (thankfully not emergent, though, at least so far) allergic reaction to *something*.  We're not sure if it's environmental, has something to do with shampoo or laundry detergent, or food-related; in case it's the last of those, we've been trying to ferret out the source by eliminating certain potentially allergenic foods such as the berries he has only recently began trying in the form of some flavored organic yogurt and fresh or frozen fruit in smoothies -- and his trusty peanut butter.

A few days into this exercise, we're still seeing symptoms and he's still very itchy.  I'm not sure how long the body takes to rid itself of proteins from peanut butter and berries (if that's even the cause); I know it takes a couple of weeks to eliminate dairy proteins from one's system when one is on that course (which we're not -- yet). 

So if peanut butter is off the menu, what will he eat?   Good question.  Please keep him in your prayers as we try to figure out what's causing him such obvious discomfort.

update desk

Early indications are very positive for Stevie, the young woman from my hometown who had all-day surgery yesterday to remove a malignant brain tumor.  She is moving and speaking -- answered prayers indeed, as the tumor was very closely located to those areas of her brain.  She has a long road to recovery ahead of her, but it would seem she is off to the right start.  Please continue to keep her, her family, friends, and caretakers in your prayers.  You can read her story and follow her progress on the blog she and her family have started.

somber yet hopeful

My heart is heavy thinking about two families for whom today must be uniquely grueling.  One of them buries their fifty-something husband and father after he passed away suddenly.  I knew him at the university parish, where his funeral Mass will be celebrated this morning.  He was ordained a deacon and served both that community and the larger one with humor, humility, and great generosity.  One of his sons was in high school at the time and played with our "rough and tumble band of misfits" (as I called us) -- a motley crew of talented musicians majoring in a variety of academic disciplines that played for the Sunday evening student Mass: this pianist, a few guitarists, an array of woodwinds and brass, and a few singers.  This son married a girl from my hometown a few years younger than me whose mother played the piano at my home parish growing up and has long been a source of encouragement for me in my development as a musician.

The other family prays and waits for their twenty-something daughter undergoing surgery today to remove a malignant brain tumor.  She is a few years younger than I am, and a friendly acquaintance from my hometown.  With a magnetic personality, dazzling smile, and penchant for bringing laughter and levity to nearly any situation, this young woman is facing this formidable challenge with deep faith in God and a huge legion of supporters.  She is being treated at the same hospital that cared for my friend Jake and all he went through.  I can't help but think of him in reading her story.  I'm sure they would really hit it off if they ever knew each other.

I can't fully understand what each of these families -- and so many others who know grief, uncertainty, and suffering today -- is going through. I can only pray for them, that they may know profound peace, comfort, and strength.  I know Christ is present in their struggles and will remain with them.  Please keep them all in your prayers.

early bird

My friend hospitalized a month ago with bacterial meningitis had her baby boy today at 28 weeks of gestation.  They are both reportedly doing well, though the baby is obviously quite premature and will need extraordinary care for a long time to come.  Thinking of the road that lies before him now that he's outside his mother's body this early is deeply humbling for me as I consider the three full-term (and then some) bambini I've delivered already and the one that is gestating now (I'm nearly 19 weeks along).

If he's anything like his mother, the little guy born today (all two pounds, seven ounces of him) will have an admirable tenacity of will to aid in what could likely be a struggle for survival.  As his mother regains her health in small but encouraging ways (with a long way still to go, as she has yet to regain feeling below her chest), I pray he too will grow in health of body, mind, and soul, and that one day very soon she may snuggle him in her arms. 

I can say with some confidence that his birth today did not happen how she would have wanted it, but what matters most is his growth and health as well as hers.  May God bless them each with strength, and their angels guard them.  Likewise may their family and caretakers be blessed with wisdom, strength, and hope.

a long way yet

It's approaching two weeks since my mama friend contracted bacterial meningitis.  While her condition is stable, she is still hospitalized in ICU, paralyzed (though showing some hopeful signs of regaining feeling), and fighting the infection.   Please continue to keep her, her unborn baby, husband, two young children, family, friends, and caretakers in your prayers.  It looks to be a long road to recovery for her, but we fervently pray and maintain hope that she'll travel it with grace and gusto as she does everything else, and that soon she'll be restored to complete health.

praying for a miracle

My friend's condition has gone from fragile to precarious.  I pray God's will be done, and for profound peace, strength, and comfort to abide with those who love her.

with friends like these

When my elder lad was my only lad, I signed us up for a baby sign language class.  The teacher was a young mom with a daughter a few months younger than my lad.  We became friends, and through her I met another vibrant and deeply committed mother whose daughter shares my elder lad's birthday.  We three and a couple of other mamas they knew with children the ages of ours formed a preschool co-op group for our young children and met regularly for a couple of years.

The friendships I have forged with these mamas are of immeasurable value to me.  They are what I like to call "like-minded mamas," ones who I respect and admire for many reasons -- chief among them being the respect, love, and devotion they give to their children (and model to their children to expect in return as their children are able to give such), and the obvious joy they derive from mothering.  Even though I don't see these ladies nearly enough anymore (we no longer participate in the co-op since they meet on one of the days my lad is in preschool), I think of each of them often and continue to draw inspiration from them. 

Tonight as I sat decorating little cakes for my lass's family birthday party tomorrow, I received a call from my sign language teacher friend mama.  It was past the hour for calling just to visit (though I always welcome her calls), so I knew immediately that something had to be wrong.  It was.  It is.  The mother whose girl shares my lad's birthday is hospitalized with bacterial meningitis.   She is six months pregnant and also has a two-year-old lad.  My friend's condition is very fragile.

Please keep her, her family, loved ones, and caretakers in your prayers.